im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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