I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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