she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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