this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
