You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
