All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
