its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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