I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
