Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
