Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
