Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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