Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
