I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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