Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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