Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
