Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
