I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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