im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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