we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
