he thought i was a dude.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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