I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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