the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
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