Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
