dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
