Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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