I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
