I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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