I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
