Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
