everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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