yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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