he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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