I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
