the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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