I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
