I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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