So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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