tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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