like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
