Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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