Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
