my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize