Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
