How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
