sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
