Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
