i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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