my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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