He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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