ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
