we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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