oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Everyone says I win the strip club
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
