stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Last time i carry you out of a forest
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
