Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
