My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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